The generosity of honest feedback

Last week in court I turned to my fantastic junior Caroline Daly as we broke for lunch and asked her how the first 45 mins of my cross-examination was going.

“You’re doing really well” she said, “but the Tribunal is on the edge of getting irritated with you for almost speaking over the witness.”

I had no idea. I knew I my energy was high - it was the start of my first cross on the case - and I knew I was getting impatient at not getting straight answers. But I had no idea that this was leaking into my performance. We talked a fair bit about it over the break.

So with a combination of managing my breath, lowering my voice a tone and a large post-it note saying “SLOWLY” I re-set for the afternoon.

It meant that 30 mins into cross after lunch I had built up enough patience-credit with the Tribunal that they allowed me to interrupt during an answer and insist that the question be answered.

All of this was the result of honest feedback from my junior.

Here is the thing about giving feedback - how often do we hold back because we are concerned about how it will be received?

And how often are those concerns really grounded in our own fears as the giver (“I’d be embarrassed to say that” or “what if they react badly - what will I do then?”) rather than a genuine concern about the growth of the receiver?

That’s why it’s helpful to consider honest feedback as an act of generosity.

It’s generous because the person giving it takes a personal risk.

It’s generous because it’s motivated by wanting the best for the receiver.

It’s generous because it’s aim is to secure what’s best for the client, not what’s comfortable for us.

As receivers of feedback we also need to be big enough to take it, and small enough to take it: we need to be the right size.

Here it’s helpful to see the positive intend behind it.

The foundation of all of this is building trusting, honest and open relationships with those we work with, aligned around the common purpose of client service. If we do that it becomes less about us, whether giver or receiver, and more about what actually matters: our clients.