Before you judge your colleagues: a little note from the children

Unless you have had reason to learn about it, you would not naturally realise that conspicuous behaviours we praise - great generosity, going above and beyond, always being available, seeming calm in conflict, deep intuitive insight etc; and conspicuous behaviours we judge negatively - short tempers, disorganisation, “toxic” communication, the need to control etc - often find their root in childhood trauma.

Trauma is a spectrum of impactful events, from the seemingly innocuous to the obviously harmful. At a meta level it results in learned strategies for survival and safety. A way of being in the world that tried to make things ok.

It may have been so normalised as a child that it goes unnoticed by the adult.

The simple point is that when a trauma response is running in someone, it is hard for them to choose any other response: the frightened child runs the show. And the response keeps operating long after the actual danger has passed. Unboundaried “helpful” attributes harm those performing them by demanding too much; uncontrolled negative behaviours harm everyone.

Men are vulnerable just like women, because men were once little boys.

Personal work can transform trauma-learnt capacities into gold - so that we choose how to deploy our super powers and learn to step aside from behaviour that might pull us down, harm colleagues or loved ones.

In this way, generosity, intuition, calm etc can be a choice, an appropriate response to context, a conscious empowered decision deployed in service of others, a way of being anchored to something bigger - rather than an automated strategy to sooth the frightened self.

In this way, life can become less lop-sided, lived from a place of strength, with a greater completeness. An expansion into the future.

And in this way, love becomes patient, kind and clear-sighted, an exchange between mindful equals; intimacy a rich and melodious music played between harmonious souls, where even the discords are listened to and find a good place.

Not everyone has the insight, opportunity or strength to do this work.

So before you judge your colleagues - whether it be praise for what is valued or criticism for what is unacceptable - spare a compassionate thought for the frightened child who may be running the show.

It’s not their fault.

And because as adults we may not see everything clearly, this might apply to judging yourself, too.