A lesson in leaving, kindly

I was struck over Father’s Day by stories of mothers who separated from fathers so they could stay mothers, and fathers, like me, who separated from mothers so they could stay fathers.

So I’m sharing some insights about leaving in personal and work relationships, and the kindness of leaving….

Everything has a natural beginning and a natural end.

To create one thing we must destroy something of another.

Relationships are no different.

We enter them in one stage of life, we invest in them, exchange giving for receiving, and then….?

How many of us proceed on the assumption that all relationships “should” continue?
That it’s a personal failing if they end?
That it’s virtuous to save others from conflict or upset?
How many of us are afraid of being disliked?

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS are not entirely consensual. They always exist structurally. We can’t escape the structure.

We’re always the children of our parents, the parents of our children, the siblings of our siblings, the great-grandchildren of our great-grand parents.

While we can’t leave the structure, we can leave a destructive dynamic within the structure: let go of co-dependency, remove ourselves from abuse, maintain firm boundaries that give space for our growth.

WORK RELATIONSHIPS are consensual. We’re not born into them. We can leave both structure and substance.

Because they’re consensual, law and organisational values step in to create rules of belonging that families take for granted.

When work relationships aren’t serving us, we can choose to leave. To leave well, we need to attend to the balance of exchange and draw it to a close. That way we avoid staying emotionally tied even though we’ve left.

We can acknowledge (privately or openly) what we have received, what we have given, what we leave behind and what we must retrieve and take with us. Then we can leave cleanly.

We’ve all had work relationships arouse more in us than fits the work role. Often that’s because family relationship patterns are washing over work relationships.

This is normal: we learn our relationship styles in the family and carry them into work.

Then we might need to remind ourselves, “They’re my boss, not my mother” or “they’re a colleague, not my brother” or “they are my client, not my child.”

We owe it to each other to see each other for who we are, not who we imagine. That’s why we must consider our family relationships when facing work challenges.

When all’s done, if it’s time to leave, it’s time to leave.

Then, leaving is a kindness to you and those in your orbit. It releases the other, makes space for the new.

Yes, it can hurt, and hurt others; we’re never quite sure if it’s the right thing to do.

But we can trust: leaving makes space for change.